9 Songs We Can Retire From Wedding Playlists

https://i0.wp.com/gentux.blog/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/wedding-songs-to-retire.jpg?fit=1056%2C540&ssl=1

Some wed­ding playlist sta­ples are sacred. The mor­tal who sug­gests nix­ing “Don’t Stop Believ­ing,” has anoth­er thing com­ing. Jour­ney is safe, but not every­one deserves an all-time hall pass.These are those songs.

“GIVE ME EVERYTHING” – PITBULL, FEATURING NE-YO, AFROJACK, NAYER

Jus­tice was not ful­ly served in Lind­say Lohan’s defama­tion law­suit against Pit­bull, for Pitbull’s “locked up like Lind­say Lohan” ref­er­ence in this song. Yes, Pit­bull has a right to express him­self thanks to the First Amend­ment, but this assault on humanity’s sen­si­bil­i­ties real­ly should have been treat­ed as a mil­i­tary tri­bunal.

RUN IT!” – CHRIS BROWN

Few artists offend the con­cept of civ­il unions like Chris Brown. Brown, who was famous­ly con­vict­ed for domes­tic vio­lence after assault­ing ex-girl­friend and pop star Rihan­na, is a sym­bol of our country’s grow­ing very seri­ous domes­tic vio­lence prob­lem. It’s high time we black­list all Brown songs from wed­dings, in all hon­esty.

bride and groom in blue suit sharing first dance

YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL” – JAMES BLUNT

James Blunt is the impov­er­ished man’s Rod Stew­art. Blunt is the kind of nice young boy you hope your daugh­ter brings home and dumps lat­er that evening for the sport of it. “You’re Beau­ti­ful” is one of the great fail­ings of pop music his­to­ry, a bor­ing, cliché idea to the back­drop of bor­ing, cliché melodies (“melody” seems gen­er­ous here). The only encour­ag­ing part of this song is that he spelled “you’re” cor­rect­ly in the title. Please don’t under­mine the com­plex beau­ty of the bride with such laugh­able trite­ness.

I GOTTA FEELING” – THE BLACK EYED PEAS

I got­ta feel­ing this song has been played ten bil­lion times too many. There’s noth­ing real­ly wrong with the song—but, seri­ous­ly, the YouTube page has 202 mil­lion hits. Let’s give the song a jer­sey, hang it in the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame rafters and nev­er speak of it again.

WE BUILT THIS CITY” – STARSHIP

Few songs have gar­nered uni­ver­sal shame and baf­fling­ly steady air­play as Starship’s hor­ren­dous clas­sic “We Built This City.” The peo­ple endure the song year after year, wed­ding after wed­ding, and it’s not like they’re not protest­ing. In 2011, Rolling Stone’s read­ers vot­ed it the worst song of the ‘80s…in a land­slide. The. Worst. End this mad­ness.

WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?” — BAHA MEN

You can pic­ture the DJ’s inter­nal mono­logue: What kind of song will get the grooms­men turnt? OH, I KNOW. Sheeeei­i­i­i­i­it. This party’s gonna get out of hand…*selects “Who Let the Dogs Out” from iPod Mini*Two drunk guys hit the dance floor and start bark­ing, every­one else cringes, laughs or cries. No mas por favor.

bride and groom in blue suit dancing at wedding reception

ANYTHING BY MAROON 5, WILL SMITH OR BRUNO MARS

There’s play­ing it safe, and then there’s Maroon 5 and Bruno Mars. It’s sci­en­tif­i­cal­ly impos­si­ble to appear smooth shim­my­ing to a Maroon 5 song, and no bride should have to cel­e­brate her wed­ding looks in the shad­ow of Bruno Mars’ grav­i­ty-defy­ing hair­do. And Will Smith is just prepack­aged eardrum death.

SUMMER” — CALVIN HARRIS

Every­thing damn­ing about EDM is found in this song: the sug­ary nuances, the pre­dictable bass drops, forced lyricism…it’s all account­ed for. Grantland’s Emi­ly Yoshi­da summed up the song’s impo­tence suc­cinct­ly: “Every ele­ment of “Sum­mer” feels like a sec­ond choice. Nei­ther the awk­ward lyrics or the “Bro­ken Glass”-esque piano noodling seem to have any the­mat­ic or emo­tion­al rela­tion to each oth­er, and by the time the cen­tral hook arrives, it sounds like some­thing you swear you’ve heard 10 times already.” Sounds about right.

RUDE” — MAGIC!

Found at many trop­i­cal-themed wed­dings, “Rude” is a self-ful­fill­ing prophe­cy. Stop it already.There are plen­ty of oth­er songs that should most def­i­nite­ly be added to this list, but this is a pret­ty good start. Cut these songs from your recep­tion playlist and you’re well on your way to a decent par­ty.

Arrow Left Icon Back to Blog