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9 Songs We Can Retire From Wedding Playlists

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Some wedding playlist staples are sacred. The mortal who suggests nixing “Don’t Stop Believing,” has another thing coming. Journey is safe, but not everyone deserves an all-time hall pass.These are those songs.

“GIVE ME EVERYTHING” – PITBULL, FEATURING NE-YO, AFROJACK, NAYER

Justice was not fully served in Lindsay Lohan’s defamation lawsuit against Pitbull, for Pitbull’s “locked up like Lindsay Lohan” reference in this song. Yes, Pitbull has a right to express himself thanks to the First Amendment, but this assault on humanity’s sensibilities really should have been treated as a military tribunal.

RUN IT!” – CHRIS BROWN

Few artists offend the concept of civil unions like Chris Brown. Brown, who was famously convicted for domestic violence after assaulting ex-girlfriend and pop star Rihanna, is a symbol of our country’s growing very serious domestic violence problem. It’s high time we blacklist all Brown songs from weddings, in all honesty.

bride and groom in blue suit sharing first dance

YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL” – JAMES BLUNT

James Blunt is the impoverished man’s Rod Stewart. Blunt is the kind of nice young boy you hope your daughter brings home and dumps later that evening for the sport of it. “You’re Beautiful” is one of the great failings of pop music history, a boring, cliché idea to the backdrop of boring, cliché melodies (“melody” seems generous here). The only encouraging part of this song is that he spelled “you’re” correctly in the title. Please don’t undermine the complex beauty of the bride with such laughable triteness.

I GOTTA FEELING” – THE BLACK EYED PEAS

I gotta feeling this song has been played ten billion times too many. There’s nothing really wrong with the song—but, seriously, the YouTube page has 202 million hits. Let’s give the song a jersey, hang it in the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame rafters and never speak of it again.

WE BUILT THIS CITY” – STARSHIP

Few songs have garnered universal shame and bafflingly steady airplay as Starship’s horrendous classic “We Built This City.” The people endure the song year after year, wedding after wedding, and it’s not like they’re not protesting. In 2011, Rolling Stone’s readers voted it the worst song of the ‘80s…in a landslide. The. Worst. End this madness.

WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?” — BAHA MEN

You can picture the DJ’s internal monologue: What kind of song will get the groomsmen turnt? OH, I KNOW. Sheeeeiiiiiit. This party’s gonna get out of hand…*selects “Who Let the Dogs Out” from iPod Mini*Two drunk guys hit the dance floor and start barking, everyone else cringes, laughs or cries. No mas por favor.

bride and groom in blue suit dancing at wedding reception

ANYTHING BY MAROON 5, WILL SMITH OR BRUNO MARS

There’s playing it safe, and then there’s Maroon 5 and Bruno Mars. It’s scientifically impossible to appear smooth shimmying to a Maroon 5 song, and no bride should have to celebrate her wedding looks in the shadow of Bruno Mars’ gravity-defying hairdo. And Will Smith is just prepackaged eardrum death.

SUMMER” — CALVIN HARRIS

Everything damning about EDM is found in this song: the sugary nuances, the predictable bass drops, forced lyricism…it’s all accounted for. Grantland’s Emily Yoshida summed up the song’s impotence succinctly: “Every element of “Summer” feels like a second choice. Neither the awkward lyrics or the “Broken Glass”-esque piano noodling seem to have any thematic or emotional relation to each other, and by the time the central hook arrives, it sounds like something you swear you’ve heard 10 times already.” Sounds about right.

RUDE” — MAGIC!

Found at many tropical-themed weddings, “Rude” is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Stop it already.There are plenty of other songs that should most definitely be added to this list, but this is a pretty good start. Cut these songs from your reception playlist and you’re well on your way to a decent party.

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