How To Go Stag To A Wedding

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You are alone. You know the groom. You know nobody else.

But you have sto­ries. You have raunchy sto­ries. You have sto­ries about the groom back­pack­ing through Ams­ter­dam, drink­ing worm­wood and arrang­ing future mar­riages with Aus­tralian girls. You have sto­ries of the groom hir­ing an army of teenagers to traf­fic nar­cotics across the bor­der to build his incom­pre­hen­si­ble nest egg. You have war sto­ries of the groom and you fight­ing off the car­tel with bows and arrows, dodg­ing Inter­pol in Monte Car­lo and that one night of Russ­ian roulette with Mikhail Prokhorov.

You are in pos­ses­sion of the not-safe-for-the-wed­ding sto­ries and you could tell them! You are the stag dude at a wed­ding with noth­ing to lose. You have no deter­rents, no inhi­bi­tions, no hang­ers-on judg­ing you for such sto­ry­telling.

Every­one knows the truth sits in your pock­et. You are the ora­cle.

But you are also polite and might not tell such sto­ries. Here’s how I typ­i­cal­ly sur­vive rolling solo to a wed­ding:

Groomsman carrying groom in blue suit

STEP 1: LOOK THE PART

Sure, none of that stuff above actu­al­ly hap­pened, but you bet­ter have dressed like it might have hap­pened. The most inter­est­ing man in the world should look, well, inter­est­ing. Have hair? Slick it like Pat Riley. Wear glass­es? Find some exot­ic War­bies and chan­nel Jeff Gold­blum. Find a top hat and steal the show like this guy.

Again, you have noth­ing to lose. If you don’t take risks, then what hope do the rest of us have?

STEP 2: FIND A PURPOSE

Intro­duce your­self to the DJ before the wed­ding starts, earn his trust with some basic ban­ter, then offer to be his con­duit to the mass­es for requests. The rest of the night, that’s your job — asso­ciate DJ.

Oth­er jobs up for grabs usu­al­ly include vol­un­teer iPho­tog­ra­ph­er when peo­ple are bored, gift coor­di­na­tor, get­ting old ladies on the dance floor and inform­ing drunk guys about their disheveled hair and pol­i­tics.

STEP 3: MAKE A GAME OF MEETING PEOPLE

Your goal: meet and remem­ber the names and sto­ries of 10 peo­ple. Then tell 10 oth­er peo­ple about the first 10 peo­ple you met with the line “Have you met so-and-so? It’s incredible—he’s a !” To hold your­self account­able, tell the bride and/or groom that’s your goal for the night. By sur­round­ing your­self with the world’s most inter­est­ing peo­ple, you become the world’s most inter­est­ing per­son.

groom and groomsmen in blue suits walking in desert

STEP 4: BRIDESMAIDS?

Brides­maids. All of them. Do your home­work on these VIPs. Tell her you heard she just broke up with a boyfriend, just grad­u­at­ed from med school, is on the search for Mr. Right and that you, too, dream of hik­ing the Sier­ras this sum­mer. Even if that’s not even close to the case, she’ll appre­ci­ate your gump­tion. Prob­a­bly. Maybe. It’s worth a shot.

STEP 5: THE PARTING GIFT

You are a gen­tle­man and a schol­ar and schol­ar­ly gen­tle­men write let­ters. A hand­writ­ten note of approx­i­mate­ly 80 words com­bined with what­ev­er change you have lying around will do nice­ly. Do your­self a favor and pair those same words on an Insta­gram pho­to and you’ll be Bride Pre-Approved for all boys trips mov­ing for­ward.

If all else fails, remem­ber these words: By being the date of nobody, you are the date of every­body.

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