How To Go Stag To A Wedding

You are alone. You know the groom. You know nobody else.

But you have stories. You have raunchy stories. You have stories about the groom backpacking through Amsterdam, drinking wormwood and arranging future marriages with Australian girls. You have stories of the groom hiring an army of teenagers to traffic narcotics across the border to build his incomprehensible nest egg. You have war stories of the groom and you fighting off the cartel with bows and arrows, dodging Interpol in Monte Carlo and that one night of Russian roulette with Mikhail Prokhorov.

You are in possession of the not-safe-for-the-wedding stories and you could tell them! You are the stag dude at a wedding with nothing to lose. You have no deterrents, no inhibitions, no hangers-on judging you for such storytelling.

Everyone knows the truth sits in your pocket. You are the oracle.

But you are also polite and might not tell such stories. Here’s how I typically survive rolling solo to a wedding:

STEP 1: LOOK THE PART

Sure, none of that stuff above actually happened, but you better have dressed like it might have happened. The most interesting man in the world should look, well, interesting. Have hair? Slick it like Pat Riley. Wear glasses? Find some exotic Warbies and channel Jeff Goldblum. Find a top hat and steal the show like this guy.

Again, you have nothing to lose. If you don’t take risks, then what hope do the rest of us have?

STEP 2: FIND A PURPOSE

Introduce yourself to the DJ before the wedding starts, earn his trust with some basic banter, then offer to be his conduit to the masses for requests. The rest of the night, that’s your job — associate DJ.

Other jobs up for grabs usually include volunteer iPhotographer when people are bored, gift coordinator, getting old ladies on the dance floor and informing drunk guys about their disheveled hair and politics.

STEP 3: MAKE A GAME OF MEETING PEOPLE

Your goal: meet and remember the names and stories of 10 people. Then tell 10 other people about the first 10 people you met with the line “Have you met so-and-so? It’s incredible—he’s a !” To hold yourself accountable, tell the bride and/or groom that’s your goal for the night. By surrounding yourself with the world’s most interesting people, you become the world’s most interesting person.

STEP 4: BRIDESMAIDS?

Bridesmaids. All of them. Do your homework on these VIPs. Tell her you heard she just broke up with a boyfriend, just graduated from med school, is on the search for Mr. Right and that you, too, dream of hiking the Sierras this summer. Even if that’s not even close to the case, she’ll appreciate your gumption. Probably. Maybe. It’s worth a shot.

STEP 5: THE PARTING GIFT

You are a gentleman and a scholar and scholarly gentlemen write letters. A handwritten note of approximately 80 words combined with whatever change you have lying around will do nicely. Do yourself a favor and pair those same words on an Instagram photo and you’ll be Bride Pre-Approved for all boys trips moving forward.

If all else fails, remember these words: By being the date of nobody, you are the date of everybody.