How To Survive A Golf Destination Wedding When You Suck At Golf

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To future aliens study­ing earth­ly activ­i­ties, golf will seem incom­pre­hen­si­bly dumb.Why, they’ll ask, did this human species design such an impos­si­bly frus­trat­ing sport requir­ing par­tic­i­pants to club a 1.68-inch ball 200+ yards across rarely-accom­mo­dat­ing ter­rain into a hole bare­ly big enough to fit said ball.Why, they’ll ask, was this a com­mon activ­i­ty pri­or to such a beau­ti­ful event of a wed­ding? What does slam­ming a club into the ground have to do with infi­nite matrimony?We’re weird. Golf is weird. Still, golf is inevitable, and you’re gonna have to deal. A clas­sic choice for des­ti­na­tion wed­dings is a resort on a beach some­where. And you know what resorts often have? Gold cours­es. And you know what a bunch of men do togeth­er? Golf. So when you, some­one for whom golf does not come nat­u­ral­ly, are invit­ed onto the green, here’s how to suck it up and play the game.

BEG FOR SCRAMBLE FORMAT

Insist on play­ing SCRAMBLE for­mat, which allows play­ers to hit each shot from the loca­tion of your group’s pre­vi­ous best shot (see rules here). This is eas­i­ly con­fused with BEST BALL for­mat, which still requires max­i­mum shame man­age­ment, but helps make your score­card look bet­ter than it should.

groom and groomsmen in black tuxedos

THE DRIVING RANGE IS YOUR FRIEND

Golf is all about sim­pli­fy­ing process­es. Grab a wood and a few irons and ask some­one who knows what they’re doing to give you one tip—just one. Focus­ing on just one part of your swing through­out the day will at least give you a foun­da­tion to build off next time around, assum­ing there’s a next time.

RAID THE CLUBHOUSE’S STASH OF CHEAP GOLF BALLS (AND BEERS)

You’re going to need about 10 balls because you’ll prob­a­bly lose nine over the course of 18 holes. Also, ease all debil­i­tat­ing ten­sion and load up on brews for the cart path. By the third hole, you’ll feel loose enough to man­age a few triple bogeys. Flasks and cig­ars are typ­i­cal­ly wel­comed and encour­aged. It’s entire­ly okay to quit mid­way through a round and assume on-course bar­tender duties.

YOU SUCK. BUT HEY, THAT’S LIFE!

Own your suck­i­tude. Even scratch golfers are required to self-dep­re­cate, so pre­pare to mock your­self. Quot­ing lines from any of the fol­low­ing movies will also help dis­tract from your painful­ly nonex­is­tent golf skills: Hap­py Gilmore, Cad­dyshack, Cad­dyshack 2, The Leg­end of Bag­ger Vance. This list goes on.

shoes and socks of groomsmen in blue suits

ACTUALLY, SCREW THESE GUYS. TALK TRASH.

Any decent play­er with a hint of ego, no mat­ter how well he plays, should be shamed. As the worst play­er, you lit­er­al­ly have noth­ing to lose. While com­pet­i­tive golfers must com­ply with eti­quette stan­dards, you couldn’t give a rat’s tail! Embrace your rare posi­tion and say what everyone’s think­ing.

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