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What to do When Cold Feet Strike

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Usu­al­ly, when you get the wed­ding day jit­ters, they are just that—jitters, nerves, stage fright. i.e. Not a huge deal. 

Every­one gets ner­vous before some­thing big. Remem­bers tak­ing the ACT? Or your pub­lic speak­ing final? This is the same thing, real­ly. We’re not try­ing to make light of the sit­u­a­tion, though. If you think it’s seri­ous, that you may not be doing the right thing, see the last sec­tion of this post. But  if it’s real­ly just nerves, here’s a pep talk:

Cold Feet Pep Talk

You can do this. This is not the end of the world. This is not the end of all your free­dom. You are hap­py.

Groom and groomsmen in blue suits waiting for bride at the end of the aisle

“But I’ll only be with one woman for the rest of my life”

Yeah, so? 

What, you have a string of lin­gerie mod­els lined up for you? Oh, you don’t? Didn’t think so. The life of the eter­nal bach­e­lor is not a ful­fill­ing one. Don’t believe us? Watch more rom-coms—particularly if they have Matthew McConaugh­ey in them. 

You have found a won­der­ful per­son who loves you, despite that mole on your butt and your weird fas­ci­na­tion with K‑Pop. Who wants to spend the rest of their life with you, despite the male pat­tern bald­ness that runs in your fam­i­ly. Isn’t that a per­son worth keep­ing around?

You already made the jump from boyfriend to fiance, you can do fiance to hus­band too. It’s real­ly not that much dif­fer­ent. You just get to do your tax­es togeth­er.

“But I can do better / She’s not the one / I want to be with Scarlett Johansson”

Reread the above note and rethink this one before ask­ing again. Because, no you can’t do bet­ter. Yes, she is the one, if the one even exists. If not, who cares? She’s cool usu­al­ly, she loves you, and once this is all over she’ll be back to nor­mal. And yes, you will always want what you can’t have. It’s just a part of life, shouldn’t mean ruin­ing your future.

“Literally any other excuse.”

Invalid. What­ev­er whiny thing your think­ing now, we promise it’s not worth it. Unless of course, it’s seri­ous. Then we can dis­cuss that, too.

Bride and groom in blue suit in front of arbor getting married

What to do when you’re just not feeling it

Some­times months before the wed­ding you just get that sink­ing feel­ing. This may not be the right thing to do. Some­times it can be cracked up to nerves, which is per­fect­ly fine. You’ll get it over with and then live hap­pi­ly ever after. But some­times it’s not. Here’s what we sug­gest when you think you may have to make the tough call:

Counseling

We would rec­om­mend this for any­one get­ting mar­ried, whether you’ve been togeth­er six years or six months. Coun­sel­ing is the time that you can get with your part­ner and go over every detail of your rela­tion­ship and your expec­ta­tions for mar­riage. If you’re not on the same page about the big stuff, that could prove detri­men­tal to your rela­tion­ship. Plus, if you’re feel­ing unsure about the whole thing, this is your oppor­tu­ni­ty to talk through every­thing and get your wor­ried out in the open.

We’ve writ­ten some more about this, if you need more on pre­mar­i­tal coun­sel­ing and things you should dis­cuss before tying the knot.

Talk it through

Whether this is with your part­ner or just a close friend, it’s impor­tant that you air out your thoughts. Keep­ing every­thing bot­tled up will only result in a fall­out lat­er, but dis­cussing your thoughts with some­one else allows you to think them through bet­ter and get feed­back. Our only sug­ges­tion would be if you’re talk­ing to a friend, make sure they’re the kind that will real­ly lis­ten and offer sound advice and not imme­di­ate­ly tell you to “dump their ass” because wed­dings and mar­riage are a “social con­struct” and true love “isn’t real.” 

If any­thing, let us be that friend: You love them; every­thing will be fine.

Groom in black tuxedo crying

Go with your gut

If coun­sel­ing and talk­ing it through haven’t made a dif­fer­ence, be hon­est with your­self and try to fig­ure things out. We real­ly don’t sug­gest leav­ing your part­ner at the altar (like, just do it, at this point), but if you decide well in advance that it’s bet­ter to cut ties, then that’s your choice and we won’t stop you (but in the instance that the non-refund­able deposits have been paid, then yes, you owe her dad, or whomev­er, mon­ey). Of course, we are all for love pre­vail­ing, so if there is any amount of hope in your heart, then chalk your doubts up to nerves and go on with the show.

What­ev­er is caus­ing you stress, there’s a good chance that when all of this is over, you’ll be hap­pi­ly mar­ried and able to go on with your life. Take a deep breath and a tequi­la shot; every­thing will be okay.

Fea­tured image by First Loved Pho­to

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