7 Steps To Completely Blowing A Best Man Speech

https://i1.wp.com/gentux.blog/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/best-man-speech.jpg?fit=1056%2C540&ssl=1

Your best man speech doesn’t need to go down in his­to­ry. It doesn’t need to be cit­ed by friends years lat­er as a tran­scen­den­tal moment in pub­lic speak­ing. It does not need a stand­ing ova­tion for validation.It just needs to not suck.There are a lot of ways this could go wrong. Here are just a few:

STEP 1: “I DIDN’T REALLY PREPARE ANYTHING”

What? You didn’t pre­pare any­thing for per­haps the most sig­nif­i­cant moment of your best friend’s life? Real­ly, guy? Of all the peo­ple in the groom’s life, he chose you to rep­re­sent him and his fam­i­ly. And you have spent zero min­utes prepar­ing. Good start.

Bet­ter idea: Toast­mas­ters sug­gests orga­niz­ing your speech “in a log­i­cal sequence: open­ing, main points, sum­ma­ry. …Prac­tice and rehearse a speech fre­quent­ly pri­or to deliv­er­ing it. Ask friends to be your audi­ence, or prac­tice in front of a mir­ror. Be sure to use a timer to help you pace your speech.”

STEP 2: HOW YOU GOT THE GIG

Yes, we know the groom asked you to give this speech. Yes, we know it’s an hon­or. We can’t believe it was over beers. Where is this going?

Bet­ter idea: Tell us about the most com­pelling moment of the groom’s life, prefer­ably involv­ing his lady, and leave a cliffhang­er for the end of the speech. The in media res sto­ry­telling strat­e­gy—mean­ing, to start in the mid­dle of things—was cham­pi­oned by bril­liant authors such as Shake­speare, Homer and most worth­while James Bond films.

best man laughing giving speech

STEP 3: HUMBLEBRAG YOUR WAY THROUGH IT

We don’t care what a well-con­nect­ed, suc­cess­ful pil­lager of foes you are. The audi­ence will judge your wor­thi­ness based on how well you praise your BFF and his beau­ti­ful wife. That is your only met­ric. That time you sailed from Kaui to Oahu and intro­duced the groom to his future boss? Don’t care. The time you wel­comed the new guy to prep school nobody else would? Some­body else did. The groom gave you a stock tip that for­ti­fied your port­fo­lio? Skip it.

Bet­ter idea: Speak on a lev­el every­one can under­stand. Focus on sto­ries illus­tra­tive of the char­ac­ter of the bride and groom. Before you give the speech, redact all sta­tus-relat­ed back­sto­ry and replace with char­ac­ter-relat­ed con­text. Let’s con­duct a quick lesson:DON’T: “John and I met in the Dean’s office at Har­vard, each of us on the brink of expulsion…”DO: “In col­lege, John’s com­mu­ni­ty ser­vice helped keep our cam­pus clean…”

STEP 4: KNOCK HIM DOWN A PEG (I.E. THE OLDER-BROTHER-KNOWS-BEST SPEECH)

Here’s a good way to reek of insecurity—let the world know of your supe­ri­or­i­ty com­plex by recit­ing all the times lit­tle bro had to dwell in old­er bro’s shad­ow. You’ll def­i­nite­ly want to say he made the most of his lack­lus­ter intel­lect, height, ath­leti­cism, looks and charm. If his bride is out of his league, we’ll know it. If she’s not and you say it…awkward.

Bet­ter idea: Before writ­ing the speech, talk to some of his friends or under­stud­ies who clear­ly look up to the groom and get their per­spec­tive on the man. Why is your bud­dy such a god? It could very well lead to a help­ful anec­dote for your speech.

groom hugging best man after speech

STEP 5: THANK NOBODY (OR: THANK EVERYONE)

Dude, the father of the bride will have to work anoth­er ten years of his life to pay for the wed­ding. Thank that man! Some day, that poten­tial­ly thank­less job will be yours.Conversely, thank­ing every­one in the build­ing is a great way to lose your audi­ence. Your mutu­al pal George may have “saved” the groom’s life in that bar fight years back, but he’ll live if he’s not men­tioned — the open bar is grat­i­tude enough.

Bet­ter idea: Ask your­self one ques­tion: who wouldn’t this day be pos­si­ble with­out? Thank those peo­ple! They were clutch.

STEP 6: GET RAUNCHY

Lis­ten, I enjoy an NSFW sto­ry as much as you do, but there is a time and a place. Let’s all agree grand­ma should enjoy her month­ly man­hat­tan with­out the fol­low­ing words: tongue, plow, strip­per, blow, orgasms, bed­room, con­ceived, flac­cid, juices, veiny, thrust, poop­er, seep­age, moist, fresh, slop buck­et, milk, teat, cougar, wipe, sca­bies, teem­ing, etc.

STEP 7: TAKE A BOW

This is the time for toast­ing the groom, the bride and thank­ing them for let­ting them into their life. Lift your glass, say the words, sip, with­hold self-rev­er­ence. In that order.

Allow­able: wink­ing at your date on the way back to your table.

Arrow Left Icon Back to Blog